Tuesday, March 8, 2011

upside down

I'm in love with this picture- and not just because I happen to not look bloated in it and both girlies have their eyes open. :)  For some reason it comforts me to look at it. It makes me feel like maybe I can have it all still...someday. Right now I've entered into this new world- motherhood. It's wonderful. The highest calling... I'm excited about it, but I also feel some loss of identity. I'm still a wife, right? Still a couple in love? I'm still Katie, right? Even if I can't be so carefree (no fancy free trips or random late night movies...), even if I'm completely uninterested in cooking anything, and have spent every day inside our house wearing milk stained clothes...
I see a picture like this and I think, it's all going to be worth it. I mean it's already worth it, I love these little girls and they're so sweet, but THIS IS SO HARD.
People like to say marriage is an adjustment, and after having babies I decided I don't agree. Marriage is as much as an adjustment as making a new best friend, it's cake. But having a baby, let alone 2 babies, has completely rocked my world.  I don't even think I can call it a life adjustment, I feel like my life got thrown upside down, died, and now I have this new life I need to get used to.
I need 2 of me to take care of both of them. I miss the hospital where I had people caring for me constantly while I cared for the babies. I could feed them and hold them, then send them to the nursery to sleep when I was tired. There were no dishes, no laundry, no meals to think about. People brought me my food, helped me to the bathroom, and checked on me constantly. I miss it... I still want to be babied as I get used to this role and recover physically and emotionally, but instead I have to care for these 2 helpless babies day and night. Brad has helped how he can, but he is tired and has been busy as well. I'm scared to be on my own, the little people outnumber me and I feel like there's no way I can win... heaven help me.

7 comments:

Alicia said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I remember one day after Abby was born I had a breakdown and started crying because I couldn't remember the last time I brushed my teeth (it was probably days earlier) and all I wanted was thirty seconds for myself to brush my teeth. My advice is to take every bit of help that's offered to you, and don't be afraid to ask for more help if you need it. People love you and are glad to do what they can to help. Eventually, you definitely will feel like yourself again. You'll get into a routine and feel like you can handle things. The bonus is that life is now a million times more fun because you get to share it with those adorable tiny people!

Emily Hagen said...

I felt COMPLETELY the same way! (Will I ever feel attractive again?! Or am I just a half awake zombie covered in breast milk for the rest of my life?). The good news is, this too shall pass. I certainly felt like my life was over for a while, and I felt bad feeling that way cuz I loved Taylor so much, but it's okay to grieve your past life as you step into and enjoy your new one.

And with twins?! I can't even imagine how you are surviving! Hang in there! And seriously, don't hesitate to call on family and friends to come help (including me!). It's something I wish I would've done more when Taylor was a newborn, and trust me, they are happy to help.

LL said...

You are BEAUTIFUL!
That picture is so perfect, all the pictures you've posted are priceless. Your girls are as cute as can be.
Hang in there, it is hard (and I only had one at a time) I wish I lived closer, I'd love to come over and help you.

gb said...

Katie your girls are adorable! I totally know how you feel and I haven't felt it for 19 years! Babies are overwhelming because they are so dependent - and then your throw in TWO - wow! I remember being so stunned with my first that I would look at people in their cars with the carseats facing forward and think, "oh my gosh, they actually are still alive to turn them forward!!" It is such an adjustment, but so wonderful and you will, in time, begin to feel normal again.

You have a beautiful family and I love reading your blog.

I would LOVE to come help you anytime! Please call me! (801) 582-8531 or (801) 809-3935.

Love
Gae

PS I tended Jimmy and Melinda when they were tiny so that my mom could take your mom away for a few hours. I remember her red rimmed eyes when we got to her house - so we've all been through it - It's hard (twins would be even harder)!!! Hang in there.

Than, Erica, Pacen, Camry & Claira said...

You are going to be just fine! I'm sure you are sick of people telling you that, but you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now. Just feeding those babies. HOlding them and loving them. My suggestion for having a newborn (and you have two so this will be difficult and you live in utah and it's still cold) is to get outside. I would strap those babies in the stroller and take a walk, even if its only for 10 minutes or so and that way you won't feel like a prisoner in your own house. They'll be snuggled and warm and you will get to move your body a little bit. And take all the help you can get. You will get to be 'you' again, but it takes time to get adjusted to the new normal. My girls are sitting on my lap right now and they are just saying how cute those babies are. Hang in there.

M+H said...

Oh Katie, your post made me cry. I remember those feelings too vividly to read your post without feeling the way. And I am absolutely terrified to have this 2nd baby because I don't want those feelings to come back, ever. After I had Melia, it was truly the darkest period of my life. I loved her, immensely, but there was a seemingly stronger part of me that just wanted to give her back! I missed the hospital so much. I missed my freedom. I missed myself. The first month was hell. The first 3 months were tough. The first 6 months were hard. But SOMEHOW, someway, you make it out of it and I cannot imagine my life without Melia. She is my world. I just got back from 10 days in Florida without her and I cried a lot because I missed her so bad. I remember thinking life would never get better after having her. But it does. Feeling depressed is PERFECTLY NORMAL and I hope you KNOW that. I am glad you're talking about it because I think holding it in is significantly worse. Hang in there. I'd love to come visit you sometime soon if you're up for it. I could get a babysitter for Melia so your little ones aren't exposed to her 1 year old germiness. :) Let me know.

Love you!

Andrea said...

Katie.
I'm just now reading this, as we are in the second week with our own twins. I cried reading it. So wonderful to see I'm not crazy! I already experienced first time momhood, but this is a whole different ball game entirely. Feel blessed that you're getting it the first time around. Anything else after this will be CAKE to you. It is SO hard and no one else fully "gets" it. Hang in there. I will too.....and someday maybe our stomachs won't look like a shriveled up old woman's. Right?!?

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